Evil did NOT win

Saturday is the heartbreaking anniversary of when Sandy Hook happened.  I sadly would have totally forgotten about it if I had not run into a video last night that one made me cry, and two reminded me of how amazing our God is.  How He heals and how the kindness of other can make the biggest difference in a persons life.  Back in April I wrote on Tragedy vs Beauty.  How the hope and beauty in this world is what we need to look for when bad things happen.  Below is an amazing video, of what love can do.

It's a Head Thing

A little over a month ago I started having daily headaches.  They started to get worse, and worse and then got it got to the point to where nothing I had at home was helping so I called the doctor.  He was a little concerned that I had never suffered from "migraines" before and now all of a sudden was, but assured me that he knew some medicine that would help and if not there are steps we can take to figure out what was going on.  I was hopeful and wrote it off as I am just having migraines, however a week went by and by head still was hurting, two weeks and my head still hurt, so I called the doctor up again.  When I meet with him he was surprised that the medicine was not working and even more surprised that when I upped the dose my head was worse so he ordered an MRI.  I was not to worried up until this point, but in fact even when he said he would be checking for tumors I was not worried.... that was until my blood work can back with some concerns, thats when reality hit that everything may not be ok and the anxiety went through the roof.  MRI machines give me claustrophobia as well so I was a royal mess.  The test itself went fine so then of corse I had the joy of the waiting game. Can I say WAITING IS THE WORST PART!!! ? What made it worse was knowing the doctor had the results but then had another doctor look at them, and then had them again but was going over them with a team of doctors.  I think it was the most high anxiety week of my life, but finally today I got the call from the doctor.  By this point I knew the news was not going to be good, and when the I heard the doctors voice on the other end of the phone I definitely knew it was not good.

The Good

1. It's not cancer

2. As far as they can tell it is not a tumor on the brain

The bad

1. I have a hole in my skull

2. My brian is exposed and unprotected is pushing through that hole

So what does that mean??  Right now it means more test.  Tomorrow is a CT and neck x-rays and Friday is another lovely MRI, this time of my neck.  They need tp A. Check for bone tumors, and B. check fluid levels on the brain.  Is levels are too high or to low I will need a shunt put in as well as I am assuming the hole in my skull fixed the brain put backed where it belongs.  This will be done by a neurosurgeon.  When I do not know, we are still in the testing, "is too much/ not enough fluid, how big is this hole?" stage.  

How you can help?  Pray and just be there.  Today two friends pulled me aside and prayed over me and that was awesome and unexpected and meant so much.  Forgive my emotional reckness that may/ has already happen.  Ask "how are you today?"  and let me talk about it without saying "oh its Gods plan" ect.  Talking is the way I deal with stuff even if it is saying I am getting a brain transplant or something crazy like that.  You do not have to do something crazy to show support but those people who called today, or made me laugh, or just spent time by my side really helped make today not just a hey you found out you need brain surgery today day.  

As I told someone earlier knowing is half the battle, so I am 50% there and I trust my doctor but more importantly that God has it all under control.  

Because it Mattered

Ok so maybe it was like a year ago, but about 3 months ago I decided to step further into this.  To let myself be happy even though my current situation is well lets be honest...crappy. To be ok with the fact that I am done with religious life and to accept the person my past has made me.  For far too long I kept it as two separate things because I am not the same person I was three years ago, in fact I was scared of that person.  I went from being a depressed, timid, quiet, introvert.  To more of an extrovert who speaks there mind and goes after conflict.  I went from a person who just went with it so I was not noticed, to more of a maverick  because I have had the freedom to be who I was indented to be (Lord help those who have stuck with me through this change).  But my past that was not something that I had fully accepted into my life because I don't think I was ready but now (being past few months) as John Green so eloquently puts it....

And that is ok, in fact it's ok if it always hurts in some aspects because I have finally come to the conclusion that some things you can never forget and leave behind, but you can accept and go one.   There will be hurt and bad and pain but more importantly there will also always be light, and one to turn to at the end of the day who understand its all.