A year Ago

Almost a year ago to the day I finally thought that I had things figured out.  I had been taken "kicking and screaming" (figuratively) to visit a religious order for a long weekend that I had been dodging all summer.  To my surprise when I got there I felt something that a had not for a long time.  A sense of family and belonging.  Within the next few weeks I filled out the necessary paperwork to enter.  I was really really happy but then things got complicated.  Certain people got scared about my past and struggle with mental illness, and they kept putting my entry off.  3 months turned into 4 and then 6 and then 8.

While others moved on with their process I was still "stuck".  If I was going to enter it was silly to find a full time job, so I stayed working 2 part time but as time went on I was becoming miserable.  I was sick of waiting, sick of being judge for a past I had no control over any of it.  Finally I made a decision not to join the sisters.  It came down to them wanting me to wait even longer to enter under conditions that no one should be put through.  While I was happy and at ease with my decision I was still hurt and let down.  I had finally left I had found my "calling" and then it was ripped away from me.  To make matters worse I suddenly was facing having to leave my main job due to an injury ( one on which I will be having surgery on soon)  I was suddenly back where I was three summers ago, depressed, no job and under a lot of stress.  I grew angry at God and being to close myself off.

Then slowly through time and prayer I began to realize that none of this was or is God's fault.  It was life and how others reacted and treated me.  However, it did not change the way God felt about me.  I was still his favorite and there was nothing I could do that would take that our His love away from me.  I  yet again learned who my real friends were and grew closes to some very special people in my life and learned how much they care about me.  It is not to say that the fight is not over.  I am still facing an upcoming surgery and up to a 6 month recovery.  I still need to find a "big girl" job, still struggling with some mental health issues, and eventually want to leave Macomb and move on.  Yet, through it all I have come to realize that I have never been without what I needed.  If I were to look ahead to this point a year ago, it is defiantly not where I wanted to be but I do know that even though its not all good it will be ok, because in the end it always has.